Advice for Parents
"Letting Go" in the Electronic Age: The Importance of Support and Space
by Dr. Jes Sellers, psychologist/director
In the fifth edition of their book, Letting Go: A Parent's Guide to Understanding the College Years," Karen Levin Coburn and Madge Lawrence Treeger acknowledge the changing landscape for parents and their children entering college in the electronic age. Just 25 years ago, parents dropped their kids off at college and did not expect to hear from them for weeks at a time. There were no e-mails, no cell phones and no Facebook entries. Imagine that!
Today's parents check email and Facebook, and send multiple texts daily. They are more fully aware of all kinds of information about their student's course schedules, exam dates, financial aid, varsity games and even late-night campus parties. Some parents have even developed elaborate fall semester plans to place daily wake-up calls or text reminders about nutrition and medications. While the not-so-flattering term of "helicopter parents" comes to mind, it is probably true that some first-year students will need a little extra help in the transition to college, but many others will find they can do it on their own. So what should a well-meaning parent do to find the right balance between "support and space" with their off-to-college sons and daughters? Here are some tips:
- Listen more and talk less. It sounds simple but it is actually hard to do when you are so eager to catch up.
- Don't begin conversations with, "How did you do on the test?" Instead, ask them how their day is going.
- Be patient and encourage your child to experience choices. Some may turn out well. Others may not, but the important thing is to be understanding when mistakes are made and try not to judge your child. They may learn a valuable lesson in life—all on their own—with your support.
- Help them reflect on what they are learning in the classroom and in college life. Ask them about their opinions, from politics to physics. Ask them about campus life and parties. Encourage them to be careful and to have fun.
- Be on their side as often as you can. Support them even when you can see the other point of view.
- Anticipate that there may be differences in how much contact you have with your student during their first year of college. This does not necessarily reflect on the closeness of your relationship. If they are feeling homesick, they may want to talk every day. Or, they may go through periods of time when they are busy exploring and growing, and they have less of a need to check in on a regular basis. This is perfectly normal!
- Next time you think of sending a text or e-mail, consider writing an old-fashioned letter or a note to include in a care package with home-baked cookies. Students away from home really do like to get mail and care packages!
When you adjust to the right balance of support and space, you may find it has some benefits. Soon your child may begin to seek you out for your ideas or voluntarily tell you about the "new friend" in their life; or, the fraternity or sorority they hope to rush; or the plans they have to change majors. Some wonderful opportunities may await you in a new adult relationship with your son or daughter.
All of us at UCS wish you well in the months to come. If we can help in some way, please do not hesitate to contact us.
Additional Resources
The American Psychiatric Foundation and the Jed Foundation have partnered to promote tips for new college students and their parents, highlighting student emotional health in the transition from high school to college. Learn more.