Letting Go
If you've read your share of parenting books, you've probably heard the term "helicopter parents." Helicopter parents pay close attention to everything, and overmanage their child's life. Some make sure their child succeeds in every way. Others hurry to prevent harm, instead of letting their children learn from their mistakes.
Like a helicopter that hovers, parents by the same name are always within reach, even when their children demand a bit more breathing room. They think they're helping their children, but experts believe they could be causing more harm than good.
Are you in constant contact with your child? Cell phones have led to frequent communication between parents and children. If you call your child every morning to make sure he's getting to class on time, take a step back.
Do you try and make all your child's academic decisions? If you are choosing their courses and career path, you're not letting them decide how to live their own lives. Giving advice is OK, but give them some space to make their own decisions.
Do you get anxious if your child doesn't succeed? Helicopter parents base their own self-worth on their child's success, and that can create problems for everyone. If your child fails a project or has relationship troubles in college, don't take it personally. You've done the best you could, and now the rest is up to them.
So What's the Down Side?
If you have trouble letting go, you may be hindering your child's maturation process. Many students are arriving at college without social or survival skills. They have trouble living with other people and solving their own problems. With their parents always ready to step in, they know little about being accountable for themselves.
Experts believe that parents who judge their their own self-worth by their children's accomplishments report sadness, negative self-image, and diminished contentment with life in general. Many report more dissatisfaction with their own lives because they are focusing too much on their children.
How to Help Without Hovering
Here are some tips from experts in the field:
Let your child call you.
Avoid the temptation to call your child every day. If your child calls you, listen and offer appropriate advice. Don't make their decisions for them, and challenge them to form healthy relationships on their own. If your child calls home at any sign of stress or trouble, try not to be over-involved for their own good.
You can't always be referee.
Help your child think on his own. If you try and save him at every turn, he won't take responsibility for his own actions. Don't try and resolve every little problem that comes his way. Your goal is to let your child grow on his own, into an independent, mature adult.
Let them have a say in their own financial affairs.
Chances are, you've probably financed your child's education or a good part of it. Discussions over money can easily lead to conflict, so it's important that you teach your child fiscal responsibility. Teach them about budgeting -- if they always get what they want, they may have trouble learning how to manage money on their own.
Engage in activities that are personally rewarding for you.
If you keep the focus on you, you won't obsess over what your child may or may not be doing. Parents who have interests of their own are much happier. Work on enjoying your own life, so you can handle your child's disappointments in stride.
* Information for this article was adapted from numerous sources, including CollegeBoard.com and Wikipedia.org.
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