What to Expect: Tips for Improving the Parent/Student Relationship
Now that you're sending your child off to college, you probably have a lot of questions about your role as a parent, and the new experiences that college will bring. Case recognizes that the support and encouragement of parents and families is essential to your child's growth as they gain independence and autonomy.
The following information was revised from the National Orientation Directors Association (NODA) Manual. This information is included in the Case Parent Handbook. Quotes were provided by Case 2005 orientation leaders.
The Importance of Trust
Finding oneself is difficult enough without feeling that the people whose opinions
you respect most are second-guessing you. One of the most important things you
can do as a parent is to trust your student.
Ask Questions (but not too many)
Many college students think they are "cool" and may resent interference with
their newfound independence. Most desire the security of knowing that you are
still interested in their well-being.
Be supportive, not overwhelming. — Nick Bonazza
Parental curiosity may add more stress than relief, depending on the attitudes
of the persons involved. Try to avoid "I-have-a-right-to-know" tinged questions
with ulterior motives or "the nag." Honest inquiries, however, and the
"between friends" communication and discussion will do much to strengthen
the parent-student relationship.
Don’t Ask Them if They’re Homesick
The power of suggestion can be dangerous. The idea of being
homesick often doesn’t occur until someone suggests it.
The first few weeks of school are full of activities and friends.
The challenge of meeting new people and adjusting to new
situations takes most of a student’s time and concentration.
So, unless they’re reminded of it, they may be able to escape
the loneliness and frustration of homesickness. Even if they
don’t tell you during those first few weeks, they do miss you.
Write or Send E-mail (even if they don’t write or e-mail you back)
You have to let them learn to live on their
own ... as they transition into adulthood,
they need to learn for themselves. — Justin Daggett
Although students are typically eager to experience all the away-from-home
independence they can in those first weeks, most still yearn for family ties and
the security those ties bring. This surge of independence may be misinterpreted
as rejection by sensitive parents, but most students want some news of home and
family. There’s nothing more disheartening than an empty mailbox. (Warning:
don’t expect a reply to every letter or e-mail you send. If you are using e-mail, you
may get a reply more frequently simply because it’s easier. At Case, e-mail access is
a free service to all students.)
Don’t Worry (too much) about Phone Calls, Letters, or E-mails that are Emotional in Nature
Parenting can be a thankless job, especially during the
college years. It’s a lot of give and only a little take. Often
when troubles become too much for a freshman student
to handle (a flunked test, end of a relationship, and a
shrunken T-shirt—all in one day), the only place to turn,
write, or call is home. Unfortunately, this is often the only
time that an urge to communicate is felt so strongly, so you
rarely get to hear about the "A" paper, the new relationship,
or the domestic triumph.
Be Patient with that Nothing-Is-Going-Right-I-Hate-This-Place Communication
You’re providing a real service as an advisor, sympathetic
ear, or punching bag. Granted, it’s a service that may not
feel good to you, but it works wonders for a frustrated
student.
My parents' positive thinking and
encouragement makes me happy. — Matt Wholey
Visit (but not too often)
Visits by parents (especially those that include a shopping spree or dinner) are another
part of first-year events that students may not admit they like, but do appreciate.
Pretended disdain of these visits is just another aspect of the first-year syndrome.
These visits give the student a chance to introduce some of the important people at home
and in school to each other. Additionally, it’s a way for parents to become familiar with
(and more understanding of) their student’s new activities, commitments, and friends.
Spontaneous visits are not usually appreciated (preemption of a planned weekend of
studying or other activities can have disastrous results). It’s best to schedule a day to
visit, such as Family Weekend, to see your student and the school; that way, you may
get to see a clean room.
It’s All Part of Growing Up
The first year of college can be full of discovery, inspiration, good times, and new
friends. Students also can experience indecision, disappointments, and mistakes.
It will take time for some students to realize that making mistakes and being happy,
sad, confused, liked, and disappointed are all part of growing up.
College is a huge change for both you and your
children, so get excited and watch them grow. — Neil Ursic
Parents need to understand that many college students do not earn good grades,
know what major they want to study, have activity-filled days, or make lots of
friends. But there are students who do experience these things. And there are many
who undergo trials and hardships. Being college-educated does not mean one is
infallible. Parents who try to accept and understand their student’s experiences are
providing support and encouragement when it is needed most.
Take Time to Discuss Finances
Most college students are still financially dependent on parents to some degree.
Discuss your family’s financial status with your son or daughter. Students need to
know how much money will be available to them and how much of the fiscal
responsibility is theirs.
Prepare for Their Return
When the school year ends and your son or daughter returns home for vacation,
plan to discuss the rules of living at home. Parents need to respect the individuality
their children have worked hard to achieve, and students need to know there are
rules and courtesies to follow.